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[personal profile] oxfordroulette
A silly alternate ending to my long fantasy AU Jadekat fanfic Cum mortuis in lingua mortua under the cut! Don't read if you haven't read the fanfic yet, because there are spoilers ahoy.

alright dave..........
no
are you ready..............
no
for our last D&D session??? :D
no
what??
wait what? really?
yes really
dave we have to do this :(
its wednesday
wednesday is game day
the last game day!
its the dramatic conclusion! i cant wait any longer!!!
my character needs to have a good resolution or i am going to throw a fit
and you do not want to see me throw a fit

look sorry babe but i am so over shepherding you and karkats mary sue self inserts around
booooooo
we are not mary sues
i think our characters are really different and unique :(

uh no
its like it was really funny at first that you were both so uncreative that you literally
literally
slam dunked yourselves into this fucking game verbatim
with only slight changes
karkat made himself calmer
which begs the fucking question why doesnt he act like that all the time if hes capable of it
and really really hot
like dont you want to grip that supple ass as outlined on the character sheet

im pretty sure that was all you though??? you were the one that described him as “a total dreamboat” whenever you had the chance!
whatever dawg
no homo
and you made yourself chaotic evil

my character is neutral good :(
okay
says the girl who tried to kill everyone she came in contact with

hey davesprite was an accident :((( i just rolled bad
my statement remains
chaotic
evil

bleh
anyway sorry you think our characters suck but why wont you dm one last time? its just one more! cant you do it for us plleeeeeeaaaasseeee

no because i am so done with all the weird shit thats been going down between you two
so done
so done with the weird sexual tension pervading the entire campaign
which was admittedly hilarious at first
but it has now cascaded into an unstoppable horror
hellbent on keeping my dick in a state of wilted softness
permanently scarring it with the look on karkats face when you said
in all seriousness
“i roll to dry hump”

okay that was weird but you cant complain about sexual tension when you pushed us into it!!!
you and rose were terrible

dont get me wrong i am forever grateful she coerced that scene into happening
my dick was a necessary sacrifice for that masterpiece
you standing over the game table like a world war two general
rolling to grind karkats sopor submerged dick into oblivion
and then you toss the die into the air
and as karkat convulses in the throes of the most holy tantrum he has ever pulled
as rose bites her lip in sexual frustration
as john attempts to knock the board over
as tz and i have the raddest high five in the history of high fives
it comes down a twenty
critical hit
you critically dry humped karkat vantases shitty self insert
you dry humped him so successfully its a wonder i didnt decide to shatter his pelvis in a plethora of orgasm
it was beautiful jade
it was a masterpiece
i wept

it was weird!!!
im weeping right now just remembering it
it was WEIRD!!!
sure yeah it was weird but i thought the weirdness would pass
you know
have aranea guest dm to get rid of the tension so we could finish this campaign on a somewhat normal note
worst mistake i ever made

yeah that was a bad idea :/
fyi i was just going to hand you the book
maybe make kankles preach at you about chastity for two hours
and then finish the damn thing anticlimactically instead of whatever wangsty bullshit is happening right now
and avoid having to watch the two of you pull out the erotic roleplay d&d books

which you gave us?
i dont know why

i thought it would be funny
but now when i think of what that last session would be
if i had to walk you two step by step through boring sex in the missionary position while vantas wept openly while simultaneously popping a very clear boner and rose diligently transcribed the whole thing
man fuck i cant do it
forgive me father
for i am weak

:/
we arent going to do porn roleplay
you dont know how its going to end!! our characters might just confess their undying love for each other
and then fade to black!

ha
hahahaha
hahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha

um
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

dave?
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahaahahahahahaha
ha
nope
nope that is not at all what was going to happen
and do you
jade self insert oc who managed to develop a very elaborate romance with karkat self insert oc hott butt vantas with little to no input from me harley
know why

ummmmmmm
no?

because you two fuckers are vicariously living out your own desires through turn based combat
honestly you dont have to be lalonde to figure this out
its incredible how dense you are
fun fact
literally everyone else
and i mean everyone
besides john who almost outcompetes the two of you in density since that kid can sink like a rock
knows how much you two repressed shits want to bump and grind irl and let me tell you that shit aint gunna fade to black

?????????????
that shit is going to be REAL
and RAW
and IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION

???????????????????????????????????
i dont want to have sex with karkat in the missionary position!!!!!
and i dont think he wants to either!!!!!!

oh right i forgot youd totally top him
um yeah i would!
also why would you even think that???

wow
i dunno why would i think that
was it the passionate dialogue
the unnecessary shin rubs under the table
the “acting”

:( im serious
well im fucking done here
ive washed my hands of this incident
like pontious pilate
youre jesus in this metaphor
karkat is sexy sexy mary bangin magdalene
no homo

hey wait no!!! explain yourself
no
im done
no more d&d
no more faking your weird ass relationship
im
done

:(((((((((((((((((((((((
so its over then? no resolution for our characters?

hey no it doesnt
wow i cant believe im being the wingman here what the fuck now im going to imagine you two yiffing and oh god there it is its hideous
but it doesnt have to be over
why dont you go talk to karkat about it
you can
uh
hash out what was going to happen
outline it
larp it

uh???
whatever go talk to him im done here hope to see you on a walk of shame soon be safe dont get troll pregnant
toodles


karkat bad news :(
BAD NEWS? WITH A FROWNY EXPRESSION MASK? WHAT, DID THE SMILE POLICE FINALLY GET THEIR ARREST WARRANT OUT FOR GOLDEN GIRL JADE HARLEY?
no dave wont do the last session with us :((((
WHAT.
THAT PISS FILLED, LANKY DWEEBNUT. I AM GOING TO WRING HIS SKULLSTEM SO HARD ALL THAT URINE IS GOING TO SHOOT LIKE A FOUNTAIN OUT OF HIS SPEECH BLADDER.
WHY WON’T HE?

he thinks were going to have sex in the missionary position!!!
FALSE. LET’S BE REAL HERE, YOU WOULD TOTALLY TOP ME IF WE WERE TO PAIL ON THE GAMING TABLE AFTER A STRESSFUL AND SWEAT DOUSED ROLEPLAYING SESSION.
okay there was some extra stuff on there that im confused about but thats pretty much what i said!!!
but he meant in the game

OH. THAT’S RIDICULOUS.
i know!!!
MY CHARACTER IS MISSING A FROND NUB. MISSIONARY WOULD REQUIRE AN UNFORTUNATE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT ON A STUMP THAT WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THE PRESSURE.
i knoooooowwwww!!!!
WAS THIS OVER YOUR HUMAN PESTERCHUM? SEND ME THE LOG SO I MAY MOUNT A SCALDING CASE AGAINST HIM, FORCING HIM TO MASTER OUR DUNGEONS. SEND IT RIGHT NOW OR GOG HELP ME I AM MARCHING OVER THERE AND RIPPING IT OUT THROUGH YOUR LAPTOP SCREEN.
gardenGnostic sent that_asshole!!!.txt
...
LOOK, I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT MAYBE THE KID WAS ONTO SOMETHING.

no way missionary position is sooooooooooo boring
id rather do your character in an interesting way??? missionary succcksss

NOT THAT, YOU SUPPLE ASSCAKE.
AND IT DOES NOT SUCK, YOU JUST DON’T HAVE A DISCERNING ROMANTIC TASTE.
I MEANT THE HASH IT OUT OURSELVES THING.
WE’VE GOT THE BOOKS, SINCE DAVE SO THOROUGHLY GIFTED US SAID ZIP DRIVE LABELED “3.5_is_best_4e_can_suck_cock” DOT EXE.
I MEAN DID YOU READ “THE BOOK OF EROTIC FANTASY”? IT’S GOT SOME PRETTY QUALITY RULES.

yeah because if theres anything i want to add to sexy times its math >:(
YOU LIKE MATH.
i
.....
i do
fuck
okay i give in
im really embarrassed about it but
karkat i want you to do mental addition problems with me while we make our characters have sex with each other using dice
dont laugh :(
i just think itd make for a really good ending thats all

I AM SO FOLLOWING YOU. I HAVE TRAVELED TO THE BOTTOM OF THE MOST PETULANT GARBAGE SWAMP WITH YOU, BURROWING THROUGH ITS WATERS OF TERRIBLE VOYEURISM AND UNCOMFORTABLE ASSOCIATIONS WITH PUPPETRY TO SWIM WITH YOU IN THIS TRASH HOLE OF AN IDEA. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THIS THING CAN END, WITH SHEER AMOUNTS OF UNCOMFORTABLE PORNOGRAPHY. AND WE’RE MAKING IT FUCKING HAPPEN. WE HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, OR WE WILL BE DRIVEN INSANE WITH LACK OF PLOT CONTINUITY. THIS HAS BEEN FORESHADOWED SO MANY TIMES, AND WE’RE GOING TO EAT ALL THOSE ALLUSIONS UP AND DIGEST THEM LIKE A GOOD TRAY OF GRUBCHEESE AND CRACKERS.
oh phew!
we are never telling dave

OH GOD NO.
okay so how does this work? do we like...... plot it out or something???
HELL NO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, CHOREOGRAPH OUR SEX POSITIONS?
our characters sex positions
THAT’S WHAT I SAID.
WE’RE ROLLING THE FUCKING DICE AND GOING WITH WHATEVER THE NUMBERS DECIDE. 26? BAM, REVERSE GRUBRIDER. 81? THE DEADLY LOTUS MIXER. 69? EASY AS EATING EACH OTHER’S PIE.

karkat can we eat pie at this thing?
ill procure some yummy cherry pie! itll be a sweet surprise
dave always insisted on “ironic” game snacks like cheetos and mountain dew and i think we deserve a treat

WHAT YEAH I’LL EAT YOUR CHERRY PIE.
what
WHAT?
karkat you are having a lot of freudian slips lately!!!
dont think i havent noticed
you do it a lot
im starting to think dave was right about the
ummmmm
tension thing
:(

TENSION? I’M WOUND UP AS TIGHT AS A CLOWN ON SOPOR DEPRIVATION AT ALL TIMES, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.
and its understandable since our avatars have been really building some stuff up that needs to be expressed
but i wish you would just come clean about it!!!
and maybe hit on me a little
but noooooooooo im just sitting here
stressed out
tense as you!

UH.
WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM.
YOU’RE ASSUMING A LOT THERE.

and its not even like a tension i can relieve either
like its making me really angry!!! i dont get angry
its like im frustrated and its making me wanna yiff stuff
but its only you

WHAT.
no wait im the one whos all wound up
dave was right!!! every time you brushed my calf or touched my arm or passed your charisma checks and tried to use your sexy voice that nobody thought was sexy except for me

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SEXY?
its just been piling on!!!!!
and im like physically itchy!!!!
literally itchy!!!!!!!!
you made me itch!!!!!!!
and youre the only one who can scratch it!!!! this stupid roleplay isnt going to do it for me!!!

LOOK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HEALTH PROBLEM AND YOU SHOULD GET THAT CHECKED OUT.
no!!!!!!!!!
KARKAT VANTAS
I AM GIVING YOU AN OPENING
YOURE GOING TO MEET ME IN THE GAME ROOM
IN TEN MINUTES
AND THEN
I WILL LOCK THE DOORS
AND I AM GOING TO DO
THINGS
TO YOU!!!
or at least make out i dont wanna pressure you
AND GET RID OF ALL THIS TENSION ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!
ON THE GAME TABLE!!!!!!!
AND IM TOPPING!!!!!! >:(((((

---
gardenGnostic is an idle chum! -—-

JADE YOU CAN’T JUST SOLICIT ME LIKE THAT, I’M NOT SOME EASY HUNK OF ELEMENTARY ALTERNIAN SCHOOLFEED EXAMS.
WAIT I JUST HEARD YOU WALKING BY MY BLOCK AND YOUR STEPS SOUND DETERMINED AND OH MY GOD THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
I TAKE THAT ALL BACK.
FUCK. HOLD ON.

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oxfordroulette: Minamalist woman with a black bob smoking (Default)
oxfordroulette

February 2015

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